Chapter 28: The World
In death, there is no motion, as Nick quickly learns. No great bustle from one catastrophe to another. No sleepless minutes blinded by a screen and no rushing bodies warming up against you. Nick Romeo has lived his life deluded, privy to secrets but missing out on such simple truths. The living do not know time. They do not know peace, floating in the murky blackness, the same that held them before they were born. It is the great rediscovery of that feeling, like the smell of a childhood home.
Nick floats. No monsters, no city, no gun, no jacket. He is a naked swimmer, lazily backstroking in the black delta, leading to the void. A peaceful release into nothing. Yet still, a part of him remains. Some spark between neurons, throwing one last party until closing time. Nick does not see his life flash before him. A carousel of fond memories with Dad and Anton fails to play. In its place, Nick sees a singular point forward, beyond the delta where he swims. Out there, in that vast and unending ocean of flat nothingness, are ripples. It takes him a moment to realize what they are. They travel towards him as quickly as sound, but when they reach him, he does not hear; he feels.
“My love,” the echo of a voice that’s not his own, but not entirely foreign. A female voice calls to him in the depths. “Are you hurt?”
Nick bobs up and down in the water, his feet not touching the bottom. “I’m not. I feel pretty good, actually.”
“That is good to hear, Nicky. I missed you,” the voice says.
Nick hesitates, wading in the water like a child. “I… missed you too.”
“Do you want to swim out? Towards me?”
“I… I do.” Nick begins to stroke toward the vast ocean, slowly reaching the end of the delta, before stopping. “But, I can’t.”
“Why not, my love?”
“You know why.” If he were in his body, Nick would feel many things, but here he is no longer a slave of the physical, of skin bumps and tears. Nick pictures Anton, standing over his body, unsure what to do with himself. “I just can’t. Not yet.”
“I know. The offer will stay here. Tell your brother—”
“He knows.” Nick smiles. “He knows.”
Closing his eyes and opening them again, Nick is dry as a board, standing in something solid: a strange cavern with smooth, curved walls, ivory white and porous like bone. All around him, a cloud of light forms near the ceiling of this round cave. Nick feels like a caveman, wowed by the brilliance of a bonfire. An orange cloud that was so dim he could barely see it before now lights up. Edges and nodes, small dots inside, light up and shoot light to other dots. Nick understands that he is inside his own head.
In front of him is a door.
“The offer still stands.” The gentle voice calls to him. Nick looks behind him to see the comforting darkness. “It always stands.”
Nick smiles as he opens the door in front of him. “Then there’s no rush,” he says, looking back, before disappearing into golden light.
Beeping rules the soundscape of Nick’s black world. It is all he hears for a good couple of minutes. To open his eyes, Nick must first feel them. Only after what feels like hours can he twitch his eyelids. His whole body feels like plaster, cracking with every movement. The beeping is joined by a female voice droning on through an intercom. With each attempt at motion, Nick feels that part of him ache and needle. He passes out again.
Coming back, he can open his eyes more easily, as if his body has accepted that he is back. Death can kick rocks for now; Nick Romeo is alive and relatively well. Nick’s eyes sting as sunshine reflects off a glass vase filled with flowers. A ‘get-well’ balloon hangs in the air, next to his brother sleeping in a chair across his bed. More flowers sit on a shelf to the left of the bed. Anton bought them all, Nick concludes. His eyelids feel heavy once again, and he drifts back out.
The third time he wakes up, it’s nighttime. The soothing night air comes through the window. The warm yellow of street lighting against the space black of night calms Nick down. He comes alive once he sees that familiar scene through the window, like he could get up right now. Anton is no longer in the chair. Nick’s neck wakes up enough to let him look around. He looks at his wrists, half-expecting to be handcuffed to the bed, but no. Nick’s head hits the pillow, his thoughts catching up to him. In a couple of days, he’ll be discharged and forced to hunt monsters again. This is the life he is meant for. Maybe the only thing he’s good at. For what he did, to Gartz and to Liv, maybe a lonely death somewhere in this city is something he truly deserves. There is a lightness in Nick’s chest, though. He has come out of this situation feeling… fresh. He is ready for whatever comes. As soon as he can, he’s driving to Earl’s Diner and ordering eggs over easy with bacon, an iced americano, pancakes with butter and raspberry jam, and smoking a pack of cigarettes. Yes, that is the top priority. With his mind set on fluffy dunes covered in butter and jam, he drifts off once again.
The day Nick talks to the nurse is the day he eats solid food again. He straightens in his bed and stretches like a man reborn. The stitches in his face sting as he yawns. Nick eats the lackluster pea soup and toast with grapes and milk in the plastic tray, all while dreaming of Earl’s. Anton arrives shortly after, discussing something over the phone, but quickly hangs up after entering the room.
“So…” He sits down in the same chair he’s likely sat in for days. “How many days? Take a guess.”
“I hate this game, dude.” Nick offers a weak smile.
“Rules are rules, bro,” Anton shrugs.
“Fine. Four days.”
Anton imitates a buzzer. “Wrong. Two weeks.”
“That explains me getting the best sleep of my life.” Nick’s head hits the pillow once more.
“It’s all gone?”
“All gone. No evidence to recover. Henry was found with a barbecued orbital and a caved-in skull. He must have really pissed you off.” Nick wants to say that wasn’t him, but decides against it. “We found you slumped against the wall, dead Nilalkali girl with her head burst like a watermelon. Liv passed out climbing down the stairs, but recovered in a few days.”
Nick’s eyes track the fly on the window. He was found alone, meaning Gartz is still somewhere out there. Anton does not know, which means the PNCD does not know. “That’s good to hear. So when do I start?”
“That’s something I wanted to discuss with you, Nicky. You don’t. You’re done.” Nick looks at Anton, eyebrow raised. “We’re cutting you loose. The Board decided that your contribution to this investigation and the prevention of an organizational-level scandal, along with the aid provided in containing sensitive information, is more than enough.” Nick’s ears ring as he hears this. It feels unreal.
“With the unfortunate loss of Project Orpheus,” Anton winks at Nick, “and the minimization of collateral damage, overall, the PNCD has deemed the investigation a success.”
“Anton—”
“You know they wanted to send one of the higher-ups here to debrief you, but I volunteered. Last thing I need is you putting one of them in the room next to you.”
“Anton, be serious,” Nick says. “What do you mean? I’m just free?”
“Yeah, Nicky. You’re finally free.” Anton smiles warmly. “You have done us a great service, and I convinced the Board to let you go. It wasn’t too hard, you’re sort of a hero.”
“Right… A hero.”
“You and Liv are free to live your lives.”
Nick remembers what Mr. H said at the funeral.
“What about you? What’s next for Praetor Rhyner?”
Anton dusts his knee, a proud look on his face. “Well, not to count my chickens too early, but I’m running for Deputy Director.”
“Oh, nice. What happened to Vanderhye?”
Anton thinks of the evidence linked to Henry’s plot that coincidentally found their way into Vanderhye’s office and apartment. He wonders what kind of torture the Board is putting him through.
“No clue.” Anton smiles his politician smile.
Nick looks at his brother, a strange omen nestling deep in his chest. He chooses to ignore it for now. “I’m happy for you, Ant.”
Anton approaches Nick, bending over the bed and kissing his brother on the forehead.
“Get some rest. I’ll be back when they discharge you on Monday.”
“Hey, bro,” Nick says before he leaves. Anton stops to look back at his brother. “Show them how it’s done.”
Anton shoots Nick with a finger gun. “I don’t know how not to.”
Free. That word has meant very little to Nick these past two years, maybe even his whole life. The word falls on him like a cold blanket. He wants to roll on his side and snuggle it. It feels scary and exciting. It sounds like ice cream. Something so childish as walking through a park or going on a date runs through his mind. Nick wants to go to Coney Island to take someone to Coney Island. When the thought of that certain someone comes up, Nick’s giddiness disappears.
The next day, Liv comes with a small balloon in hand. She is in a leg brace, with crutches that she hates using.
“Hey,” she says in an even tone.
“Morning.”
“It’s two p.m.”
“Oh, so it is. Good evening, then,” Nick says. Liv did miss the nocturnal humor slightly. With the knowledge that he is alive, she can finally be mad at him.
The two smile at each other. Nick notices her hair is more textured, less shapely. The messier short hair suits her.
“You got a haircut.”
“Yeah.”
“It looks good.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Silence fills the room.
“Is that all we can say?” Nick asks.
“For once, Nick, you can start.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You already said that.”
“Liv, I’m so sorry. I don’t know where it all went wrong, but I made another selfish choice. Add it to the pile, right? But what I did to you, it was the most painful thing I did. And I don’t know how to make it right, but I’m going to try.”
Liv purses her lips, caught up in deep thought. “I wasn’t going to come. Your brother called me and asked me to.”
Nick has nothing to say at first. “Thank you,” he says after thinking for a bit.
Liv nearly laughs. “You’re welcome, I guess.”
“I’m sorry for ruining… what we had,” Nick says, gesturing to the air in between them.
“There was never anything between us,” Liv says. “Nothing to ruin. Because it was all a lie.” Liv grabs her crutches and heads for the door.
She turns back towards Nick. “I just want you to know that, while I am proud of the progress you’ve made, and the man I can see you’re becoming, I don’t think it would be fair to say I forgive you. Because I don’t. I don’t know if I ever will.”
Liv’s voice comes out flat. She feels bad for having so little to say. It felt like a lot more on the subway ride over here. “You… Jeez.” Liv stops to consider leaving. She wants to tell him how she feels about him. The deep-seated love she has for the man who saved her all those years ago. She even considers telling him who he is to her, revealing the true start of their relationship. “You’re such a dick.”
“I know.”
“You put me through this roller coaster of emotions. Make me care about you. And you pull this. And after everything, you know what’s funny?”
Nick’s eyebrows raise to prompt Liv.
She scoffs. “Forget it.”
“Ok.”
“I think…” Liv rubs her arm. “I think I’ll take some time away. I’m proud of the work we do, and I stand by what I said before. But I don’t think it would be healthy for us to be close right now.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Go to Peru. Visit family. Mom might come with for a bit.” She lets the balloon float next to Anton’s, which looks a bit deflated by now.
Nick bites the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I have a friend in Cuzco. He owes me a couple of favors. I’ll give you his contact details. He can help you train, so you can make the most of your time.”
“Thanks,” Liv says.
The air between them feels deflated. After she leaves, Nick feels like crying, but no tears come. He thinks this might be the last time he ever sees her. In a way, it’s easier to assume that.
Nick thinks of how Liv would give street dogs funny nicknames, how much she loves chocolate, and how often she talked about the Peruvian food she wanted to eat when she went back. Liv always joked that she’d drag Nick to see Peru, and that he’ll struggle in the rainforest. Nick wants to tell her that he loves her. It seems like such a flat sentiment now. He thinks of how unfair life can be, how a person you love leaving can be a step in the right direction. To love is to let go, he tells himself. But all Nick wants to do is call her and confess. He will always be grateful for what she did to him, what she brought out of him, all the food they ate, all the dumb jokes they made, and everything they went through. It feels like a vast, baby-blue ocean deep inside of him, full to the brim with nowhere left to go.
That night, Nick dreams he is a stray dog. He wanders the street, his collar itching as he tries to scratch under it. Anyone who tries to pet him quickly backs away after he bares his teeth at them, growling as he does so. Alone, he walks the street, shuffling into the dark, then under the buzzing street lamps, then finally gone.